Pain
by Roselina4389
Summary: "I'm sorry..." He whispered, though he knew she could not listen and even if she could-she'd turn him away like she had done that day. ("I've chosen my way.") He would have given it all up for her, but the realization came too late. He hadn't thought that his interest in the Arts would lead her further and further away from him until he was responsible for her death. One-shot.


In my opinion, Snape-bashing is a cruel and heartless thing to do. While being immensely brave and complex, he also led a very disturbing and difficult life. I think this man deserves some praise. What he did was heroic and even though (I admit) he could be awful sometimes, he redeemed himself in more ways than one. And his love for Lily might seem obsessive to you, but for a man who was hated and never loved and, so loved only one person in his entire life, the response is natural. To assuage my angry conscience of all the rudeness dealt out with this marvellous character I have written a small one-shot of Snape's feelings in Godric's Hollow. I adore Severus Snape. What he did was brave.

Warning: melancholy and depressing.

**Keep Calm and Trust Snape**

Pain

He didn't know if he should go or not. They wouldn't welcome him. Lily wouldn't. Potter certainly wouldn't. But he just needed to make sure. To make sure Dumbledore had fulfilled his promise.

He walked silently, his robes flying in the wind, his black boots stepping over fallen leaves. His wand was out and his breathing was shallow. He walked and walked, trying to locate the house. And then he stopped.

Was this it? A pile of wreckage and nothing more. The house seemed to be destroyed-in ruins. He stepped through the frame of the door and looked around. Were they still here?

As he walked, he saw a flight of stairs, and a large dark figure sprawled on the floor. Snape didn't know who it was. His heart thudding, he went closer and saw a pair of glasses lying askew. His heart returned to normal rate. It was just Potter. But...if he was dead, would Lily be too?

Snape stared involuntarily at the fallen man and then made his way up the stairs. He could hear wailing, loud sounds of crying.

He fastened his pace and entered the room, where the voices seemed to be coming from. The first thing he saw was the prominent red cot and the baby boy sobbing in it. Black untidy hair, just like his father. He pushed this unpleasant thought away from his mind and then his eyes swept to a corner of the room, where a woman lay on the floor.

At first time seemed to stop.

_She's dead, she's dead, she's dead._

No. It couldn't be.

_Lily._

He walked to the body, the beautiful auburn hair hiding her face. His heart broke, broke, broke so badly that tears crept up to him faster than they had ever in his life.

And he felt her pulse, though he knew there would be none, and then the tears cascaded down. He kneeled down, shaking slightly from grief and picked her up.

_No, no, NO. It's all my fault._

He could barely breathe as he saw her face, peaceful as it didn't stir in his hold. And then Snape couldn't take it. He gasped with the shock, the pain, and without thinking, hugged her to his chest. Her dark red hair fell over his shoulder, her head on his own. And though he knew she wouldn't of liked it, he didn't let her go.

_It's all my fault, all my fault. I killed her, I killed her..._

And nearly sub-conscious to what he was doing, where he was, he cried silently. It hurt so much.

"I'm sorry..." He whispered, though he knew she could not listen and even if she could-she'd turn him away like she had done that day.

_"I've chosen my way and you've chosen yours."_

He would of given all it up, all of it-for her, but the realisation came too late. He had ignored her, not thought that his interest in the Arts would lead him further and further away from her...until he would be responsible for her death.

Several minutes ticked by. Severus laid her head carefully on the ground. He didn't know what to do, but he couldn't stay. He stood up, staring down at her, tears still rolling very fast. The loud sounds of crying came back into focus and he wheeled around and saw the small boy staring at him with flushed cheeks.

"Mama!"

The remains of his heart twisted and he neared the crib. The crib in front of which Lily Evans had stood to save this boy's life.

He picked the boy up, not able to look at his wretched face, not able to look him in the eye-He, the killer of his parents, the lover of his mother.

The boy clung to him, sobbing and trying to reach out for Lily.

He had to pull the baby back towards him, try to steady him. The child was struggling too much. They went down the stairs, Harry's sobs of despair and panic echoing around the broken walls.

Harry saw James and wailed louder.

"Dada!"

Again Severus felt tiny fists banging on his arm, trying to escape and crawl over to go his father.

Snape was oblivious to everything else. As if in a dream, he walked slowly, painfully, holding Lily's child in his arms.

And there was someone standing out there-out into the open, when he stepped out. Unable to breathe properly, Snape pulled Harry closer to himself, wary. A gigantic man stood there, sniffling loudly.

"Are they...dead?" He asked, shakily.

Snape could only nod almost imperceptibly. He handed Harry to Hagrid. The giant man wailed even louder. "Dead!" he echoed, mournfully.

Severus saw the baby one last time, it's bright green orbs staring in furious grief at him.

Lily's eyes. He had her eyes. And while the baby still reached out a hand towards his wrecked home, Snape turned and walked away. He heard a loud _zoom_ as Hagrid and Harry sped away. Nothing mattered to him anymore. Everything was gone. He didn't want to live, to feel. His eyes burned with tears.

And he was going to demand an explanation from Dumbledore.

**...**

"I thought you...were...going to keep her...safe..." He said chokily, when he met the man.

"She and James put their faith in the wrong person, rather like you Severus." Was the answer. "Her boy survives."

He knew that. And a mingled feeling of guilt and resentment flowed through him. The product of Lily and Potter's love survived.

"He has her eyes. You do remember Lily's ey-"

"DON'T!" He cried, angrily. "She's dead, gone..." His ebony eyes stung again.

"Remorse, Severus?"

That, Severus thought, was an understatement.

And he would make it up to her, make her forgive him.

"I'll protect the boy." In hopes she would forgive his mistake, his choices.

But for now...he couldn't face anything. Or anyone.

_I loved her, she was the only thing I loved. _

**I May Seem Heartless Because My Heart Died With Her**

**-FIN-**

* * *

The sentences in bold are just for dramatics. Snape is not uttering them, they are just quotes. I do not own. If some sentences were similar to J. K. Rowling's writing it was unintentional. She owns Harry Potter. I am just an affected fan. Sev's love was NOT obsessive. I rarely write stories like this. This may seem short, incomplete, poetic but whatever. If you hate Severus Snape, don't bother reading. And Dumbledore sucks. Seriously. He should KNOW how Severus feels as Dumbledore too made wrong choices and mistakes. However, _he _did not have anyone pestering him to spy or blackmailing him to do things or be chucked in Azkaban. Manipulative git.


End file.
